Reflections

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Mortal life is but a glimpse of all things, in our waking consciousness. What are memories,  reflections naught but time can advocate. Time is a useless measure, as our reflections prove, nothing loses its forward momentum, in this revolving universe as life goes on.

Reflections of love when time makes no sense, moving forward I cannot go back, to thank you to tell you I love you. I converse with you within this moment, sadly this moment will leave me, and the future is a time,  we do not dwell. I turn this moment to the past, to be with you, like an old favourite film, I press replay

Sadness manifests as I stumble into the next moment, seeing your smile feeling your words calling within my heart, do your best beautiful boy, live the best life you can. I tell you with all my heart I promise you the best I can, knowing you walk with me, where time does not exist,  and love is eternal and still.

 

 

DEDICATED TO Elwyn Rowlands My Dad 27/11/29 – 14/10/15

 

 

 

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Wishing for my Willpower

During the course of my diet people would say to me I wish I had your willpower to  stick to a diet I found this a very weak and defeatist statement to make and why were these people belittling themselves when in fact willpower lives and breathes within in us all  a state of consciousness when properly utilised can help us to to become the best version of ourselves in any area of our life or all of it our willpower is usually hidden under many things positive and negative in nature usually our needs the things that make this life more bearable such as food alcohol cigarettes drugs relationships a job that drains us a toxic relationship how we see ourselves in our world and how we fit into our world our fears and anxieties and what we use to salve our emotions to deal with life whilst thinking about writing this blog I realised that willpower is in all things that we do  from our waking moment until we sleep we just cover it with lots of other things which really impedes or stops dead our freewill to use our natural God given willpower

We just really need to reprogram ourselves to look at what we really truly need and let go of the things that impede or stop us reaching inner peace or desired goals no matter what they maybe people places thoughts and emotions if they no longer serve us for our greater good and life they must go  I have realised I have hit on a massive subject of which scientists and philosophers have researched over centuries I can only speak from my own experience along my pathway of life and the teachings of spirit so please you the reader do not look at this blog as a piece of academic work this blog is purely from my own experience and discoveries of self that I will be sharing with you I will endeavour to make this blog as helpful as possible and hope you the reader will gain something from it to utilise and reboot your in built willpower and use it towards your inner peace and desired goals

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On reflection I realise it was not only the threat of more serious illness and worsening diabetes that motivated me and helped me to find my willpower from 2011 – 2016 I had been dieting on and off without any success but my way of thinking at the time was really suppressing my willpower the guilt that I had failed another diet the thoughts that it did not really matter as I was in my mid 50’s my pulling the ladies days were over my absence of teeth and my impotence made me feel useless   my aches and pains and tiredness were just ageing but putting all these things together they were suppressing my willpower

You may find this hard to believe but when diagnosed with Diabetes 2 I was in the best place mentally and emotionally than I had been for years after my last relationship ended in 2010 I was a mess mentally and emotionally and drinking heavily but realised soon after that I had got my life back which is a great gift and it was up to me to create the best life I could for myself and started the long process of letting go of my anger learning to love myself and opening my heart and living and speaking my truth through an open heart I was to wrapped up in what I used to be a serving medium doing around 100 services a year plus teaching and touring Spiritualist Churches in South Wales a lot of people back in the the day used to call me the peoples medium because of my down to earth approach whilst demonstrating on platform a fact I am very proud of to this day and it made me very angry that I couldn’t go back to it and just pick up where I left off its a very true saying amongst platform mediums that your as good as your last service

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Slowly but surely the realisation came that it does not really matter what I used to do in the past all that matters is what I’m doing now and what I’m doing to create a better tomorrow so I focussed on my mental and emotional state forgiving myself and others for bad deeds done my good friend Jane Goodman kept telling me I have a beautiful heart so I put my best foot forward and decided to be truly myself anyone who knows me knows that I’m truly a big softy and that I am giving and helpful as I had cut way back on my drinking it made my thinking that much clearer and was much easier to be truly who I am without my mind being shrouded by the thick fog of alcohol and gradually my mediumship started to improve meditation helped me to become more at peace with myself and give me the drive to become a better mental and emotional version of myself I was making friends I had also started teaching mediumship in a general development circle at Woking Spiritualist Church as I told the students in that circle I have made all the mistakes I am just helping you not to make them I had created a website for my mediumship and was doing a few more platform demonstrations of mediumship that is enough about my mediumship for now although I do feel drawn to write a blog about my spiritual journey in the future

I was diagnosed with Diabetes 2 on 07/04/16 although this was a shock  my Spirit Guides were telling me I had Diabetes I kept an open mind on it but hoping I didn’t have diabetes the doctor and nurse told me in no uncertain terms if I did not do the work necessary to improve my health and wellbeing my health would deteriorate greatly and possibly an early death me and my closest friend Marina Rawlings had been talking and making plans about travelling together seeing historical sites and seeing the world the thought of being to ill to travel was totally unacceptable or to die before my spiritual service on this earth was fulfilled was totally unacceptable to me I decided it was a straight fight between me and Diabetes 2 and thus my willpower was re ignited and had come alive again I am so glad that my mental and emotional state had improved as I am sure if I had not took the steps to improve my mental and emotional state the state of inertia that I was in coupled with diabetes 2 my health would have deteriorated greatly but now I had reasons to live and sure as hell Diabetes 2 was not going to stand in my way I now realise I had got rid of all the rubbish that covered my willpower and held me back in life

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Apart from losing weight my diet gave me some realisations the biggest one being dieting is about self care not self denial or battling hunger until your next meal when you truly realise you are actually caring for yourself through diet dieting becomes that much easier and believe it or not I gradually found dieting to be a pleasure rather than a chore as I was improving my health and wellbeing I will share my realisations with you as they all promote strong and powerful willpower

1, Positive balances Negative in our universe we are greatly effected by our environment as to how we feel inside and what decisions that we make by our work and relationships and so on if we feel low we are more likely to eat unhealthy food because for a time it makes us feel better for a short time but in reality we are piling on the pounds and polluting our bodies so we must balance negative thoughts and emotions with positive thoughts and emotions for example you hate your job instead of hating your job look at it as a means of paying your bills so you can live in a material world count our blessings as there are many that are far worse off than us I know thinking like this certainly cheers me up if you have had a bad day don’t moan and gripe about it and reach for the dairy milk chocolate or wine think how you could have improved your day think that tomorrow is a blank page I have the opportunity and the power of creation to make it a good day meditate step into the moment because there is truly peace all around us take a hot shower and visualise washing all that negativity down the plug hole

2, Craving food I know from past experience cravings for our favourite food can be terrible there is something that is known as state dependant learning I picked this little gem up from my behavioural neuro pharmacologist ex wife it is quite simply our brain and body has got used to what we put into it and the amounts we put into it and when we lessen the amount our brain and body starts to crave that amount of food alcohol cigarettes or drugs we put into it know when you start to diet the cravings will be fierce but as time goes by they will become less and less know that and your willpower will be strong do not fear or succumb to your cravings they will become less just be determined enough to see it through

3, A little mental trick I used to use and still do at times whilst shopping I would see the foods I loved such as cheese white bread sausages chocolate and  pies and knew they were harmful to my diet and harmful to me with my diabetes so I would just imagine a skull and crossbones on them and walk by this helped me stay on the straight and narrow and thinking about it it was a mental tool for turning a negative into a positive and helped me beat my cravings thus promoting my willpower

4, Set yourself goals thinking about all the weight you need to lose can seem an insurmountable task I set myself half stone targets which were far easier to reach than thinking of the whole 4 stone target I originally set for myself be determined be stubborn with yourself if necessary as there is always someone who will want you to have dessert or a chip sandwich saying this once wont hurt but I let nothing detract me from my next half stone target as it would slow my progress and this will help to excersise your mental and emotional muscles and strengthen your willpower when I reached my half stone target I gave myself a little treat such as a sausage sandwich it gives us something to aim for and promotes a sense of achievement

As your clothes start to feel loose try on the clothes that don’t fit anymore then you have a good guide on how much more you need to lose to fit into them clothes make it a goal to be able to wear them clothes comfortably I cant tell you the sense of achievement I had when I could finally wear my grey suit comfortably 36″ waist small trousers 46″ chest

5. Focus on your goals let nothing detract you from your goals remember your reprogramming yourself so focus is very important it will boost your willpower to help you achieve your goals

6, Intention set your intention to lose your weight and reach your desired weight I made myself a promise that I would lose 4 stone in weight I did not want the guilt of failing to lose 4 stone this set my intention

I hope you the reader has enjoyed reading this and have gained some helpful advice from it I am now the healthiest I have been in years simply by changing the way I think with focus and intention and this awoke my willpower

In Light and Love Stephen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Healer Heal Thyself Diabetes 2 The Kick Up The Ass I needed

Where do I begin this blog from the beginning I suppose but hard to remember where it all began but thinking about it was a long downward slope of around 18 years in that time I had 3 long-term girlfriends one who I adored cheated on me the pain of her infidelity took me from 16  stone 10 pounds to 12 stone the next girlfriend thought I was the Royal Bank of Mug but laced it up as love by that time I was drinking heavily and smoking around 40-60 cigarettes a day

And to be honest my life was at rock bottom at that point although I was working full-time and had a flat I was scratching around spiritually and no social life and I was skint so on boxing day 2010 I decided I needed to turn my life around and make 2011 a year of change and started getting myself out there as once upon a time in the mid 80’s to early 90’s I was a spiritualist medium demonstrating mediumship at spiritualist churches on what we call the circuit I missed those times I had spoken to my spirit guides saying to them I was fed up with getting into relationships and landing up with nothing they advised me to do what I was good at to work with them and be a medium and healer once again

I became friends with a lovely lady and fellow medium Jane Lorraine Goodman who helped me to see the errors of my ways with drinking and smoking and holding onto anger due to past hurts drinking smoking and being a temperamental sod that had a very real detrimental effect on me as a channel for spirit so I weaned myself off the booze from drinking daily to drinking occasionally as I enjoy a glass of wine or beer when out for dinner or a few drinks when at parties so I decided not to drink in the week or 24 hours before serving spirit much better for me to drink socially than to be in a pissed or hung over state by drinking daily

I smoked for 40 years so giving up was not going to be easy so I got the patches and nicotine lozenges  and kicked the habit but I must admit to my shame today I am still addicted to the nicotine lozengers and do enjoy the occasional fag but when I do I think why am I doing this it stinks and its horrible but hey ho it’s all part of the psyche of being a bad non smoker  my mediumship is much improved by getting drinking and smoking under control and my general well-being is much improved to as getting my drinking under control has really helped me deal with my anger issues and booze really changes you into a not nice person and with meditation and practising what I preach I am much more at peace with myself others and the world

So in 2011 I found myself single I had not been single for 14 years I began getting used to my own company and getting to know and love myself new year 2011 was an incredibly positive time for me thinking back being single was the best thing that had happened to me for years I realised I had got my life back to rebuild and customise my life for me you may find that a very selfish statement but I very much-needed my life back to develop into all I could and can become this development will continue until the day I physically die

For the first time in 14 years I did not have a girlfriend to cook for me you may not believe this but at nearly 51 years old I did not know how to cook except like basic things like a boiled egg a fry up a cup of tea sandwiches etc etc etc you get my drift

With working 12 hour rotating day and night shifts I was to lazy and had no inclination to learn how to cook for myself so for my main meal I would eat a Tescos finest ready meal with 4 slices of white bread and Bertolli spread breakfast would be porridge Weetabix or corn flakes with semi skimmed milk or a fry up lunch would be 2 rounds of mature cheddar sandwiches with crisps or chocolate and 2 rounds of sandwiches crisps and chocolate for nightshift

The weight began to pile on I thought it did not matter as I was in my mid fifties my handsome hunk days were over I became impotent which hurt as in my mind I still considered myself as a red-blooded male but I thought hey ho the ladies are not interested in me anymore I had lost teeth on my upper and lower sets and had become obese this now seems a funny way of thinking to me now as I love female company most of my friends are ladies and my bestest friend is the lovely Marina Rawlings I just thought of it all as an age thing but with what I know now I realise I had let myself go big time and was not caring for myself as I should

I have spent a lot of time over the years talking to people about the importance of loving oneself I have now realised I need to practice what I have been preaching with self love over the past few years I have been working to let go of all past hurts and my anger re past hurts again as I thought practising what I preach but throughout all that I had omitted to care for my physical well being

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The symptoms of Diabetes 2 came on slowly between 2011 – March 2016 constantly feeling tired and lethargic wanting to sleep all the time a itchy red rash on my ankles and shins taking ages to pee which I thought at the time maybe a prostrate problem feeling like I had a bag of sugar in my mouth and impotence my mum would also tell me I smelt funny but since my diet she says the smell has gone I can only put this down to all the crap I was eating have realised it is very true we are what we eat

I decided to finally address my health issues in March 2016 and got a doctors appointment I told the doctor my health problems did a blood and urine test I was called back into see the doctor 07/04/16 she told me my testosterone was fine but I was full of sugar with a sugar score of 63 (7.9) I was in fact suffering from Diabetes 2 and all my health problems were related to Diabetes 2 and my weight the 5ft nothing doctor then proceeded to give me the mother of all rollockings of the state  I had got myself into and at my age and weight I was at very high risk of a heart attack or stroke and I needed to do something about it pronto

By losing weight eating diabetic friendly foods and a lot more excersise the doctor prescribed metformin to treat the diabetes 2 and statins for my borderline cholesterol score the doctor advised I may get a upset stomach with the metformin but I actually found the metformin to be a help to my diet because it helped me to lose weight quickly as the metformin took all the crap out of my body pardon the pun 🙂

I was then dispatched to see the diabetic nurse another 5ft nothing terror who then proceeded to give me another rollocking about my state and gave me a check up my stats didn’t look to good that day weight 17 stone 7 pounds waist 49 inches Qrisk (lifescore) 20.92% the lower that score is the better Diabetes 63 (7.9) my blood pressure was also very high which was a shock to me as I have always had good blood pressure I could only put this down to the Tesco finest meals I had been shoving in my face since 2011 as they are full of salt and sugar I threw my ready meals out as soon as I got home   I promised the diabetic nurse I would lose weight she told me she didn’t think I would be able to do it I thought lock and load bitch you watch thinking about it that was a great thing to say to me and it really helped motivate me so I went home and called my closest friend Marina Rawlings I told her what had happened at the doctors and in true Marina form she said I need to diet I will diet with you I admitted to her I didn’t know how to cook she said she will teach me the basics and she would visit Sunday 10/04/16 we would go shopping go for a walk show me how to cook mince and veg I went back to the nurse 14/04/16 and my blood pressure had returned to good and that was just in a week of not eating ready meals just goes to show how unhealthy they are

On the 10/04/16 my diet began but this diet needed to be different as I had spent most of my adult life dieting then putting the weight back on over the past couple of years I had started dieting but lacked the motivation or willpower to continue dieting so I needed to lose the weight and maintain it being told by the doctor and nurse that my life expectancy was not that good if I didn’t change my ways lose weight and control my diabetes was a real motivation to lose weight after reading the diabetes literature basically I had to eat meat or fish with veg for main meals cut way down on my carbs I love bread and potatoes but surprisingly it was easy to do and cut down on dairy foods I absolutely lurve eggs and cheese so this was hard and I very much missed cheese throughout my diet and the fact that I have a very low metabolism which means when I diet I have to eat very little to lose weight

On the 22/08/16 I went for a blood test I was really hoping my blood sugar score would be 48 or below that would mean I would no longer be a diet controlled diabetic on the 23/08/16 I received a phone call from the diabetic nurse my blood sugar score was now 31 I could either come off the metformin or take just one a day so I opted to come off metformin as I was concerned about the long term effect it would have on my body I kicked the statins into touch as well she said she wanted to see me urgently so I made an appointment with her for that afternoon I entered her office and she said to me I can see you have been wasting away I said told you I could do it she looked at me blankly but I had a great feeling of satisfaction growing within me she gave me a check up my stats looked much better that day weight 14 stone 1 pound waist 42 inches Diabetes 31 Qrisk (lifescore) 18.51%

                                                        FOCUS AND INTENTION

I realised I needed to be totally focussed on my goal of losing 4 stone in weight so I made a promise to myself that I would lose 4 stone in weight as I knew this would help to keep me focussed on my goal as I did not want the feeling of letting myself down if I failed to lose weight I also started a Facebook page titled Stevieboys Diet and Positive Way of Life page to chart my progress on my diet and share positive quotes but mainly I didnt want to make myself look stupid infront of my facebook friends and that to would help me to stay focussed

I achieved my 4 stone weight loss 23/10/16 13 stone 7 pounds I feel so much fitter and happier and have alot more energy to I am currently working down to 12 stone 7 pounds as the doctor tells me that is the right weight for my height and build

Dieting should not be seen as a chore or as self torture when in actual fact it is self care the whole mindset about dieting really needs to change from being torture to self care and it is all part of loving yourself taking care of your body is all about self love and care we buy a warm coat to keep out the cold in winter time the same could be said about dieting we care for ourselves to stay healthy and to keep out illness

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Me 11/12/16 Thank You for Reading